Book and food

Mom recommended me to read this book when I told her about my pregnancy 2 months ago. Even after what happened, I still continue to read it.


This book was written in 1972. It fascinates me because the writer is a well known nutritionist and I absolutely love reading anything about food and nutrition.

It teaches how to eat properly and reasons on why we are asked to eat certain food during and before pregnancy. Best, best.. Sila bace untuk dapat bayi yang sihat :)

emotional

Think before you speak.

We get that too often but only a few who really apply it in life. Most of the time, we are just too excited, too angry or too emotional and we spoke without giving much thoughts whether what's blurted out from our mouth are pleasant or the other way round.

My friend (a ttc herself) told me about her friend who loses her baby a few weeks before due date. Before it happened, my friend was a bit pissed off with her because she talked a lot about her difficulties being pregnant. She even commented a few times how lucky my friend is still childless, able to enjoy time together with her spouse and how she will never understand what it feels like being pregnant. Those words hurt my friend a lot, she cried and that time she was emotional, angry and sad, she wish that God shows His greatness.

(Careful what you wish for dear)

Then it happened. Just a few weeks before due date. The baby just stopped breathing in the mother’s womb.

My friend isn’t overjoyed to hear that news eventhough how bad that friend treated her before. Gila kejam kalau bersuka atas kesedihan orang lain. She hopes that she never wish for bad things to happen to her friend.

Being pregnant and giving birth to a healthy baby are miracles that happen every minute. If you remember science or biology subject (or those who went through multiple times of IUIs and IVFs), you knew how susah nak berjaya. Just because it happens to many of us (and those minah rempit with just a one night stand), people don’t see it as a miracle anymore (unless to the TTC’s).

Praise to God always for His gift.

Talking about being emotional, we tend to curse people and couldn’t help wishing for bad things to happen to them when we are angry (with them).

An ustaz once told us, orang yang beriman akan mendoakan agar dia berubah instead of berharap dia mati accident dengan dahsyat, otak terburai. Ape yang kita harap tu suatu doa, kalau ramai harap macam tu, termakbul la kot dengan izin Allah. Dia mati, isteri jadi balu, anak takda mak/ayah, takde sumber pendapatan, gejala sosial... Tapi kalau kita doa dia berubah jadi baik, termakbul pula, banyak faedahnya..

Tapi tu lah, kita manusia selalu ikut nafsu dan perasaan bila marah kan?

Anyway, if I’m still not yet pregnant next month, I’ll proceed with the fertility treatment. Had a chat with one of the nurses when I dropped by to pick up my claim letter and told her I miscarried. She asked me to start treatment straight away after puasa. Dia cakap saya ni jenis yang cepat lekat, sekali buat walaupun tak berlaku bulan tu, lekat bulan selepas tu. Harap2 begitulah..
So, here we go again aktiviti suami jadi doctor di rumah inject gonal-f. Are you ready beb?

It's a small world

If my life is made into a movie, I’m sure the viewers will see those people who crossed into my life (sekejap atau lama) before are now my friends or enemies.

When I got to know my husband, I learned that he used to work at ascott near klcc and taking putra to work while I was an undergrad student, 15 kg lighter, wearing braces and made monthly visit to my orthodontic at Bangunan Angkasaraya, also taking putra. So I told my huband, entah2 kita pernah berselisih kat klcc or dalam putra kan? Only Allah can answer that. I remember when I was in Unggul, I did notice him because everytime I saw him, asyik2 bergayuuuuuuuuuuuut memanjang kat telefon. And now, he’s the guy who slept next to me every night.

Husband got transferred to a new place, met new colleagues and coincidentally, when his colleague/roommate (they share room) received his promotion letter last week, it’s stated there that he’ll be moving to my previous ministry and was suggested to replace my office-mate who also got transferred out. Wow, he’ll be doing what I had been doing for the pass 4++ years. All the best to him. Hihi.
And Ziehan, my sidangmate during dpa will be in the same unit with my husband.

Pusing2, kat situ je.

Common sense

When you are leaving a place, you MUST tidy up everything which obviously includes disposing that mess you’ve kept throughout the years. Common sense. Full-stop.

My department is leaving for Putrajaya end of this year. We are asked to tag everything we plan to take with us. Everything was tagged except for these 3 cabinets which belong to the previous officer who left when I got transferred here.

Oh man…..

3 cabinets with 4 drawers each. All 12 drawers are stuffed with files and papers since year 2007!!!! He didn’t even bother to throw all those unwanted files before he left and there are so many original letters since 2007. Haiyo… Tepuk dahi den..

I remember my previous boss told me to dispose those papers which I haven’t flip through for 2 years. Sisih, sisih. Housekeeping every 6 months. Takdelah lepas 3 tahun baru nak sisih, memang berguni2 beb..

I spent 2 days cleaning up my room before I left so that the officer who comes in won’t curse me like I’m doing right now. Sabar jer la.

2 drawers down, 10 more to go… grrrrrr

Random

Wow, can you believe that raya is in 7 days from now? I’m not that excited eventhough I have like 5 beautiful new baju kurungs for Raya. Well, you may know one of the reasons why. heh

I love Ramadhan. But I admit that I have not used this Ramadhan to the most optimum. I really hope that I get to meet the next Ramadhan. Amin..

So far, the weather for this Ramadhan is perfect. It rained almost every afternoon here in KL (but all shine and bright in Putrajaya).

I took the 6.05am erl to work. Left house before Subuh’s prayer and reached the office still dark and empty. I’m being sceptical and cautious that someone will grab my bag or splash acid to my face so I walked very fast from the station to the office while holding the handbag very tightly. Odd looking fellow..

I went to Sogo last Friday. It was maaaaaaaaadness there. Those women (and some malay men, ehem) were shopping like crazy. I was looking for 3 things, a pair of new court shoes, a long flowy formal skirt and a set of handkerchief for husband. I saw a pair of nice reasonable black court shoes a month ago but sadly I was told that they no longer have my size when I decided to buy it. Oh well, I didn’t want to go back empty handed because my 2 and ½ year Clarks’s is beyond repair. Toured the shoe section a few times and fell in love with scholl’s new arrival. Grab it. So, no shoes for the next 3 years tau tak.

Found the skirt I’ve been eyeing for a few weeks, grab 2 sets of gentleman’s handkerchief for husband, toured the house whole section while couldn’t stop wishing that I have more extra money to spend for those beautiful Hallmarks’ bedsheet and left the crazeeeee department store at 2pm. The longer I stay, the dangerous I’ll become to my wallet and credit card. heh

I always find it safe if I shop with some objectives to achieve. With that, I don’t go wandering around and accidentally bought a few stuff just because they are so damn cheap one.

2011 is approaching its 4th quarter. I haven’t managed to shed a kg. The next strategy is to hang my mess kit at a place where I can easily see it macam di pintu dapur peti ais and aim to get that size again. Agak2 boleh berjaya tak? hahahaha

Technology

Here we don’t use punch card to clock in and out. We use biometry which is the finger print. For the past 3 months ++, clock-in successfully with only a single scan for me was like, NEVER..

There was this one time, I stood there trying to scan my finger print for almost 10minutes. I don't know how many times I tried and it all went, buzzzzzzzz with a red light.

What confused me is that, clock out seemed fine with a single scan.

Last week, a staff told me that a dry thumb print makes it difficult to read. So, wet the thumb or rub your thumb on that oily forehead of yours before you scan and voila, successful with just a single scan. Happy :)

Anon

Blogging used to be fun when I first started in year 2006.

Social network was very foreign to many of us back then. So, no one (means friends) read my blog except the writer herself. heh.. I commented on things I saw and observed and no one was hurt because people out there don't take it personally because they don't even know who I am.

However, things are different now.

Everything I wrote may become personal to others even though I never mean to hurt any of them at the first place (just because they thought they know who I am, my situation.)

Some may say, it's my blog, so it's up to me to write what ever I like. If people out there don't like it, then they can leave and stop reading..

Well, for me it's not quite right to think it that way.

I think Mala has an entry about this and I am very much agree with it. (I am always enlightened with her entries :)

When I published an entry, I do hope that some of the words written are able to remind my readers on things they may have forgotten.

But if it only brings damage than good now, maybe it's time for me to blog anonymously again..

Sad..

My dear TTC friends,

It is indeed very true that those who have never been in our shoes will never understand how we felt or what we have gone through..

And just because we're in THIS situation, words written or said are always being misled by them for not being sensitive of their "unfortunate" condition..


*****

Therefore..

from the bottom of my heart, if you think I was being very harsh in my previous post, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you think I was not being sensitive enough because I have only been pregnant for 5 weeks and never had the chance to experience any sickness like you..
I'm sorry. You should know it was never meant for you but I know you're saying what you said representing your group.

I always wish the best of health for all pregnant friends and mothers out there.

I know you are all heroes but it doesn't mean that we are not either. Suffering from heartbroken every month, the thoughts played in our minds that maybe we are not "meant to be", being called infertile by relatives, the fertility treatment and many other things are unbearably painful...

And how I wish I were in your shoes..


My TTC heart hurt so much tonight, I cried...
I hope it's just for tonight

Merungut

Saya pasti, semua orang pasti akan merungut. Hanya orang yang tinggi imannya sahaja yang cukup kuat untuk tidak merungut. Saya juga tidak terkecuali. Tidak terkecuali dari asyik merungut.

Dulu saya selalu merungut penat turun naik public transport ke tempat kerja. Sekarang alhamdulillah, saya dah boleh tolerate. Berhimpit punggung bertemu punggung dalam tren pun adalah suatu situasi biasa yang tiada siapa yang suka tapi saya bersyukur kerana masih ada ruang di dalam tren untuk saya menyempit kerana kadangkala berlaku keadaan di mana tren datang lewat atau pengguna terlalu ramai, kami terpaksa beratur dan menunggu giliran untuk masuk ke dalam tren yang padat. Bersyukur tempat kerja saya hanya berbeza jarak tidak sampai beratus KM.

Saya menderita ulcer yang besar di lidah dan tidak berupaya untuk bercakap dan teramat sukar menelan air liur selama hampir 4 hari. Dan selama 4 hari itu, saya jadi manusia yang hanya bercakap apabila perlu nak merungut pun tak boleh. Nak MC, badan masih sihat, cuma mulut yang sakit, kerja boleh diteruskan maka saya masih bekerja seperti biasa.
Hiduplah saya tanpa merungut selama 4 hari. Bile berlaku perkara yang tidak best, hanya mampu beristighfar.. Pada ketika itu, saya rasakan diri ini terlalu kerdil dan tidak bermaya.

Kebelakangan ini jiwa saya amat sensitif dan cepat tersentuh. Anda pasti sudah tahu bahawa jabatan saya memperuntukkan 1% kakitangannya untuk golongan kurang upaya yang mana kini telah mencecah hampir 4%. Maka pemandangan melihat golongan OKU adalah suatu pemandangan biasa. Tambahan pula, terdapat sekolah buta untuk budak laki-laki berhampiran.

Di suatu pagi seorang buta berjalan agak jauh di hadapan saya. Tiba-tiba dia berjalan semakin menghampiri pokok dan seorang wanita telah menarik dia menjauhi pokok tersebut. Tidak semena-mena, saya menangis. Menangis membayangkan sekiranya Allah tiba2 hendak tarik nikmat hidup saya, adakah saya akan tabah menghadapinya.. Air mata tak sempat kering, terserempak pula dengan ibu muda membawa anak lelakinya yang sungguh comel tetapi buta berjalan ke sekolah. Saya menangis lagi..

Ya Allah betapa besarnya dugaan sesetengah orang itu. Dan saya, baru dapat sakit sedikit, merungut berjela2 sedangkan hidup saya dilimpahi nikmat yang tidak terhingga dan jika saya merungut pada orang buta di depan saya itu, mesti boleh dapat pelempang free sebab tak bersyukur.

Bagi ibu2 mengandung, nasihat saya, merungutlah secara sederhana ataupun tidak perlulah kot diberitahu ke seluruh komuniti setiap hari bahawa anda sedang menderita morning sickness kerana terdapat golongan di luar sana yang sanggup bertukar tempat dengan anda asalkan dapat mengandung.
Bersyukurlah yang anda sedang mengandung. Dapat mengandung dan melahirkan bayi yang sihat itu adalah suatu miracle yang berlaku setiap hari.

Dan juga peringatan kepada saya, bermoyok kerana teringatkan kandungan yang telah hilang tidak akan menghidupkannya kembali. Bersyukurlah yang saya masih ada suami yang sangat penyayang (yang kini sedang berdengkur tidur di sebelah.. Hehehe). Enjoy lah setiap saat bersama.

Saya bersyukur..

Happy 2nd Anniversary sayang...

I hope you like your gifts because I really love mine and the surprises you gave me :)

Mak saya selalu bilang, bila kita didatangani dugaan, itu tandanya Allah sayang kita kerana Dia mahu kita sentiasa ingat kepada Dia kerana kesenangan mudah membuat kita lupa dan lalai.

24 months.

4 more days and we'll be 2 years. Alhamdulillah. Too bad it falls in the fasting month. Bad means we have to celebrate it later. Bercuti di bulan puasa, rugi tahu. heh

Been surfing the net for a not so budget vacation in Malaysia. Since we have spent a big sum a few months ago, we are a bit sengkek to spend some more.

However, this place is beautiful.




I don't know why, but I'm obsess with private pool. Our honeymoon isn't that fancy. (it depends on one's definition of honeymoon. Some spent all out and came back broke but can still be happy about it.. hehehe.) Since we have to cough up our own money for the wedding, fancy honeymoon will have to come later.

The cheapest room at Legend International Water homes is RM450. Not sure whether it has govt rates. 2 nights means spending almost RM1K which for me is kinda absurd kan? I can buy a quality standing steam iron and a vacuum cleaner with that sum of money.

Kadang-kala susah tahu nak simpan duit gaji setiap bulan. Setelah seronok melihatnya bercambah, kemudian zasss hilang seribu. wuhuhuhu.. Tak sanggup tapi nak pergi bercuti kat tempat yang cantik.. Priority, priority kept on playing on my head sampai dah boleh buat lagu.

Time2 macam ni la rasa macam best kalau menang loteri. hehehe

Ape pun, alhamdulillah for every nikmat Allah has given us..

It's now August and I have 27 days of annual leave.. weeheehee

3 months

I love doing what I did in my previous ministry. But I think I've had enough after 4 years. So, I put up in the profiling survey that I wanted to do something else in other ministry.

My wish is granted.

I was sent to KL. At first I wasn't happy. Mixed feelings. I wanted to stay. I really wanted to tell my boss that I didn't want to go but part of me was excited to accept the challenge to a new place, meeting new people and doing new things.

The other part won. Or should I say my ego. I don't want to be called a coward for being such a sissy not to accept the transfter just because I was so comfortable at my previous place or because the new office is 50km away from home.

I was not in a good mood for the first month. I hate waking up as early as 5.30 (again), take the ERL, exchange to LRT, walk almost 400m (I think) from the station to my office, arrive at the office all sweaty and sticky and went back home tired and moody..

Regardless of all that, alhamdulillah..

3rd August 2011 marks my 3rd month here.

I think I'm ok with it now. Learn a lot about service, LRT, ERL, the people and the shopping.. Eh??

Wearing croc$ is compulsory. It's light, comfy, it dries up fast when it's raining and I can run wearing it. Yes, I run wearing baju kurung or skirt to catch the train if I had to. hehehe

Sure, every place has it's flaws. Oh well, I've learned my lesson not to talk bad about my work. So, let's leave it that way and try my best to cope with it or not to think too much about it :)

Of course, I still walk down the memory lanes. Called my ex-colleague a few days ago and we talked long hours, about the work (the previous work place). Some of you may have read or watched about this, this and this.

If I were still at the old place, all those things may occupy 3/4 of my 9 hours at work doing follow-ups and attended meetings regarding them. Even the ksu went down to the desk officer's room to prepare the feed-back for the minister. Tak boleh bayang weh.......

So, don't be afraid of the unknown. How cliche it may sound, there's always hikmah in everything. Give yourself time to accept and adapt.

Love what you do and you'll be happy.

Barang wajib setiap hari.

The 3rd

This is our 3rd Ramadhan as husband and wife. Setiap tahun dengan keadaan yang berbeza.

Ramadhan pertama: masih tinggal di rumah parents or FIL. Travelling from Putrajaya to KL and we usually ended up breaking fast in the car.

Ramadhan kedua: Lebih stabil. Tempat kerja yang sangat dekat dengan rumah. I cooked almost everyday.

Ramadhan ketiga: Seorang kerja di KL, seorang kerja di Putrajaya tapi kami tinggal di Putrajaya. Macam campuran Ramadhan pertama dan kedua.

So far, I managed to leave the office before 5, took the 5.40pm ERL. Safely seated in the blue car to buy food for iftar at 6. Arrived home at 6.30.

Masih tiada mood masak untuk berbuka sebab penat. But us being the couple that hates to spend so much on food bought as minimal supaya tidak membazir. Yesterday was just a packet of nasi kerabu each and today was nasi ayam. No kuih, no drinks, no side dishes.

Mengakhiri entry dengan gambar kasut di luar surau yang mana jika diclick untuk imej yang lebih besar, anda akan dapati kasut ini tidak sama kiri dan kanannya. Adakah ini satu trend terbaru??

The PKAC

It's a blessing that both of us work in the same scheme. And now, we are doing the same portfolio.

We got to share the similar information regarding our work. When PAC (or PKAC) came into our world, I got to copy his and became the saviour at my department. Hehe..

Well, that's me on the right. Komited buat kerja ;)

Working hand in hand..

How can I say no when the husband asked me a favour to be the facilitator for his PAC. I got to spend time with him, stayed at the hotel, no need to cook and dapat duit poket jadi fasilitator. I enjoyed every second of it. The experience and the food served.

This is a lazy entry.

Registration

I just sat there prettily. heh

Eh, macam kenal mamat ni ;)

The candidates tengah buat ujian psikologi

Beep test yang tengok je pun dah rasa penat

Oh hey, that's me about to ring the bell. I'm the facilitator for Pengucapan Awam.

Debat Parlimen. I was once like them.

Request daripada candidates untuk bergambar dengan Cik Suraya dan Encik Kamarul without them knowing that we are actually husband and wife :)

5 years ago, I attended the same thing at IKWAS. It brings back old memories :)

Oh well, have I mentioned that the food was yummylicious?

Had ikan patin masak tempoyak, sate tulang, kambing bakar, daging pelanduk and lots of durian jelebu. Oh my..

Sate tulang. The first time I heard of it.

And Wan treated his staff for a session of karaoke on the last night there.

Doing the thing he enjoy most.

Got back home on Sunday and the next day was my turn of PAC. But mine is called PKAC and it was done in an old folks home. That's another story..

Ramblings

I was reading almost hundreds of those posted on Bersih's Twitter the other day. (yes, I have 28hours a day to spent my time doing that) Like dad always said, always read both sides of the story. That's why he spends his 24 hours (unlike me, dad only have 24 hours, heh) reading all the newspapers online around the world. From Israel Post, Washington Post, Utusan to Harakah Daily.

Back to that Bersih thing. Many tweeted how they were greatly united on that that; Oh "this malay lady gave me shelter in the surau", "this chinese makcik gave me salt", "we hold hand in hand in the rain"..

I'm a daily public transport user. I'm sure almost 30% that take the train with me everyday support Bersih. so they talk about how they unite, love other races and 1 Malaysia is bullshit.

However, yesterday was an old chinese pakcik. Very old, white hair, every unstable, walk very slow and he was standing all the way from Bandar Tasik Selatan to Masjid Jamek. (It is a 25 minute journey) because none of them (chinese, malay, indian, others) offered him a seat. He barely stand with one hand holding the pole, he had to use both hands!

And today was a Malay pregnant lady. She was standing in the middle of the train near the door. The train was less packed today, so she was visible to those standing and seating. But sadly, those seated left her standing all the way. Mangkok betol!

So, their Bersih's united only lasted for what, on 9th July 2011 between 1 to 6 pm eh?

What a joke..

Reunited

Delayed post..

I'm excited to have seen this post near the lift. Terus rasa nak snap a picture. Yes, we're moving to Putrajaya end of this year. Those living nearby Putrajaya are eager to leave KL but those who want to stay working in KL area are submitting transfer letters..

I'm kinda sad though. Because never have I had such a great working team. I definitely don't mind staying back till night when I have such awesome officemates. But when almost 70% request to stay working in KL, it means we'll be having a new set of staff..

Well, we have a very chronic situation right now. We don't have money. There is no more A4 papers (we have to cut half the A3 papers), no more toner for the fax machine and the A3 printer, we can't pay lots of things and yes, we are given 1.2b BUT that's a one-off for welfare..........

My previous office pun suntuk duit but this suntuk sampai takde kertas A4! Giler tak????

Dan JP@ sedang menjalankan operasi kejat. Dengan kata lain, hendak mengurangkan waran perjawatan. Jadi setiap kementerian diputuskan supaya memansuhkan certain percent of jawatan kosong. Jadi kawan2, kerja la bersungguh2. Ayah saya bilang, tidak mustahil kerajaan akan retrench kakitangan pula lepas ini.
Mungkin, saya bilang mungkin....

Syukur..

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku, sesungguhnya aku amat bersyukur dengan segala yang dikurniakan kepadaku Ya Allah..

Bekerja di jabatan yang mana 10% perjawatan diperuntukkan untuk warga OKU bermakna, saya akan berjumpa sekurang2nya sekali warga OKU dalam sehari. Yang paling ramai, adalah yang cacat penglihatan.

Ada 1 waktu ni, saya dikehendaki berurusan dengan seorang pegawai. Ketika saya tiba di workstationnya, dia sedang bercakap di telefon membelakangi saya. Saya tidak pastu sama ada hendak mengganggu perbualannya atau membiarkan dia sedar saya ada di situ. Berdehem susah, batuk pun sudah saya mula bosan setelah hampir 5 minit menunggu. Bos dia nampak saya yang masih di situ, terus memanggil nama pegawai tersebut. Rupa2nya dia buta....

Kerja saya pula melibatkan pemprosesan perihal perkhidmatan pegawai dan kakitangan. Setiap hari, saya membaca surat2 permohonan pertukaran, melihat Kew.8 mereka, ada yang tinggal berjauhan dengan suami dan anak beratus km, gaji hanya 1/3 gaji saya, ada yang menderita pelbagai penyakit dan banyak lagi kesulitan yang dihadapi..

Memerhati dan membaca perkara2 ini membuat saya insaf..

Kerana sebelum ini saya kerap merungut walhal hanya berbeza tempat kerja dengan suami sejauh 45km, masih mahupun gaji yang lebih besar, masih berbelanja perkara2 yang kadang-kala tidak berfaedah sedangkan jika disedekahkan wang itu pun lebih baik, masih mahupun kemewahan hidup yang mana hidup masih boleh diteruskan tanpanya.

Maka, sejak kebelakangan ini saya rasa hidup ini lebih mudah dan kurang tekanan jika niat di hati ditetapkan segala pekerjaan yang dilakukan adalah kerana Allah, untuk mendapat keberkatanNya dan bersyukur dengan nikmat dan rezeki yang diberi..

Selagi saya mampu, saya akan cuba sehabis baik.

Oleh sebab itu, saya memang rasa nak sepak sorang2 yang tengah duduk walaupun tengok wanita mengandung, orang tua sedang berdiri di dalam tren. Setelah 2 bulan menjadi pengguna pengangkutan awam, aksi pura2 tidur bila pintu tren terbuka MEMANG berlaku. Sorry to say, golongan yang selalu buat macam tu ialah lelaki. Dan setakat ni, setelah berpuluh trip, baru ade seorang lelaki bagi tempat duduk kat perempuan. Sebelum ni, hanya wanita yang bersimpati dengan wanita. Dan yang lagi mendukacitakan, wanita yang selalu memberi seat kepada tak kira bangsa dan agama itu adalah non-muslim.. Sedihkan??

The comeback

5 MCs and 1 EL.. I didn't go to work for 6 days and on Tuesday, it was really hard to get up at 5.30 in the morning again.

Alhamdulillah, I have great family, friends and officemates who are very concern about me. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it from deep of my heart.

Everyone at the office said I look very pale and sick. I was confirmed miscarried on Thursday and they said the hospital should give me a week leave. But I was only been given 2 days on Thursday and Friday and on Monday, the doctor refused to give me one at first and asked me to go to work but I insisted so she gave me a day MC reluctantly. (kedekut bangat! 2 days earlier tak boleh kira sebab masa tu doktor suruh rest sebab belum confirmed lagi)

Today, I am down with flu but I still force myself to work. There are so many things to settle before Ramadhan so I pity my colleagues if they have to manage all of it with one officer short.

So life goes on as usual. I don't think much about what happened but there are a few times that I felt really sad for no reason (or maybe for that particular reason.)

*yawn*
I'm so sleepy.. Can I have a 10 minute nap?

Daily doses

Last week, I was so excited to buy this. However, after what happened, I change the When to Before.



Here I am, restarting my journey again guided by professional :) I'll do better this time..

It's officially gone

Good news I mentioned in the previous3 post is now officially a sad one.

After 22 months of marriage, I finally get the one I wanted. Oh yes, a double line on the pregnancy test kit. I even bought the most expensive one on the counter.

However, dear God has better plan for me. That tiny little thing just won't stay where it should be. It fell and died. I miscarried at week 5.

At first, I blame the long distance travelling back and forth to work. Remember when I was rushing to Putrajaya by public transport to send those important papers because office car was not available and the travelling to Lumut for the workshop?

But then, just now I saw it in the screen. It's still here in my uterus, lifeless. I can see that the shape is deformed. So the doctor said, it's actually a good thing that it didn't survive.

I was given another 2 day MC. I was asked to rest, and hopefully it will go out naturally like menses. If it doesn't, then I have to go through D&C which I find it very horrifying.

I experienced no symptom of pregnancy and even though it is still very new, I had grown fond of it and it is indeed such a beautiful feeling to know that I'm carrying our baby.

Of course, I did cry, a lot. I knew there must be something wrong the moment I bled heavily on Monday. Went to AnNur Bangi, the doc did vaginal scan and she couldn't see the baby sac. Did UPT again (only a very faint double line) and a blood test which I received the result today that shows that I WAS pregnant.

My emotion is like a roller coaster. Last night I was happily watching this hilarious JDrama and a moment later, I was sobbing like a toddler who lost her toy. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who always supports me during my ups and downs.

Well, the good thing is, it shows that I can conceive. So Allah is giving us a sign that I'm perfectly normal and my time will come soon.

(I'm not promoting clear blue here, hehehe)
On the 22nd, the line is fading and so did my heart.. :'(