It's officially gone

Good news I mentioned in the previous3 post is now officially a sad one.

After 22 months of marriage, I finally get the one I wanted. Oh yes, a double line on the pregnancy test kit. I even bought the most expensive one on the counter.

However, dear God has better plan for me. That tiny little thing just won't stay where it should be. It fell and died. I miscarried at week 5.

At first, I blame the long distance travelling back and forth to work. Remember when I was rushing to Putrajaya by public transport to send those important papers because office car was not available and the travelling to Lumut for the workshop?

But then, just now I saw it in the screen. It's still here in my uterus, lifeless. I can see that the shape is deformed. So the doctor said, it's actually a good thing that it didn't survive.

I was given another 2 day MC. I was asked to rest, and hopefully it will go out naturally like menses. If it doesn't, then I have to go through D&C which I find it very horrifying.

I experienced no symptom of pregnancy and even though it is still very new, I had grown fond of it and it is indeed such a beautiful feeling to know that I'm carrying our baby.

Of course, I did cry, a lot. I knew there must be something wrong the moment I bled heavily on Monday. Went to AnNur Bangi, the doc did vaginal scan and she couldn't see the baby sac. Did UPT again (only a very faint double line) and a blood test which I received the result today that shows that I WAS pregnant.

My emotion is like a roller coaster. Last night I was happily watching this hilarious JDrama and a moment later, I was sobbing like a toddler who lost her toy. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who always supports me during my ups and downs.

Well, the good thing is, it shows that I can conceive. So Allah is giving us a sign that I'm perfectly normal and my time will come soon.

(I'm not promoting clear blue here, hehehe)
On the 22nd, the line is fading and so did my heart.. :'(

Updates #2

Rain, chilly wind, comfy bed, good J-Drama, husband bringing home lunch and eating on the bed still wearing pyjamas. Ah, almost heaven.

As I mentioned before, I'm on leave today. (And planning on taking another EL tomorrow.. Blame on the depression I'm having right now.. Cheh).

I did nothing today but watch the full series of Dragon Zakura. The drama is so good that I kept on comparing it to those cheesy Malay Drama every 2 minutes (cheesy or not, I still watch them.. pfffttt). JDramas, there isn't one that couldn't make me laugh and cry at the same time.

Updates

It's now 10 minutes to 11. I haven't bathed since yesterday afternoon. Still lying on the bed, blanket not folded, pillows strewn all over. I haven't brushed my teeth but I've already eaten breakfast. Gross, I know..

I'm not in the mood of doing anything. I even ignored the dirty floor which previously my OCD will always make me wipe it until it's clean and shiny. My hair is oily and unmanageable. The eyes are swollen so I refused to look at the mirror.

Blame it on the stomach cramp or should I call it period pain. (some readers go "what??"). I hardly slept last night.

I'm on MC since yesterday. Planning on taking EL tomorrow. I'm sure the boss will have some sympathy knowing my condition right now. After all, I still have 28 days leave left this year. So screw work! Haha

Maybe I need shopping therapy. I still have a few bucks left for this month to spend and the next pay-check is in 2 days. Yippee.. But I just spent a big sum last Saturday celebrating on the thing that I may no longer have.

Today is 21st June already. My 2nd anniversary will be in less than 2 months. (Oh my, I've been married that long eh?) So, I'll spend the rest of this day scouting pressie for my wonderful husband. You guys don't envy me and go back to work..

*yawn*
I think I'll sleep first. Hubby, please wake me when it's lunch time will ya?

We plan...

...He decides.

Things did not turn out the way we want to..

Should I blame myself for not being extra careful?

Like Wan said, it's fated...

The final result is in a few days but I'm not expecting any good news.

It'll be super devastating to know the opposite when I'm expecting a better one.

What ever it is, I'll accept this destiny as His challenge.


So, let me cry now...


Che Mat JP@, aku nak hantar surat tukar ke mana2 jabatan di Putrajaya. Disember terlalu lama nak tunggu........

Strength

Just arrived home after a 2-day workshop in Lumut. Husband's not at home, he has a team building thing at Raub. We only have a few hours to spend tomorrow before I head off for a 5-day course at INTAN Sabah on Monday. We are seeing each other less and less each month. *Sad*

Anyway, did you know that out of 6400 staff of my department through-out the country, there are only 40PTDs? And my Ketua Pengarah now is the first one from that scheme. I'm honoured to join this department knowing that I have a great person that's leading it. He was the Kedah's SDO director before he was ordered to take the KP's post. We had a 3 hour session with him last night. Oh my, he's damn good at giving talks. We were laughing the whole session.

He kept on saying that every cloud has a silver lining. Every hardship we are going right now will make us stronger and like what we do then the work will automatically be much easier. My dad once said to me this and of course my mom will always say this everytime I come back home whining about work.

4 and 1/2 years ago, I was shocked when I knew I got the post. I was wearing pants to the interview and I was totally not prepared for it. I was actually kinda relax because I already accepted another offer. I attended the interview for the sake of experience with no pressure at all on my shoulders. But mom says, the panel must've seen something in me that day so I must not stopped searching for it and use it for good.

Everyone wants to stay at one place and be that person that everyone refers to. You are honoured and complacent to be the most senior there. Nobody wants to be the new kid that knows nothing. But transferring from one place to another (for my scheme) is actually rather challenging and exciting. You meet new colleagues, new bosses, new subordinates, new clients, new knowledge to learn and different problems to solve therefore you gain new experience.

So I want to like working here and hearing the latest news that we must start packing in December makes me even happier. Yay!

Train story

Taking the public transport to work is tiring especially when you have to stand for the whole 30minutes and another 10minutes rides. You'll see the same view out the window everyday BUT not the same people with the same story.

Yesterday morning, a mother and her primary school son were standing next to me. She managed to pour hot water into a tumbler with a mixed of oat, milo and milk powder (I heard she told her son) while standing and asking the son to drink it there and then because it's his time for breakfast. Obviously, she's ignoring the "no eating and no drinking" in the train. hehehe. A very good breakfast indeed.

Today, 5 minutes delay caused a very significant difference. Instead of 1 train every 5 minutes, the train came after 10 minutes. So more and more people were waiting at the station. And of course, the delay was not only at my station. So many people were already standing in the train when it came and arriving at Cheras station, the train was so packed, people can not go in anymore.

I was standing at the back of a lovey dovey secondary school chinese couple. The girl is a bigger version of my niece. She looks exactly like Hannah. I was facing them so I can't help glancing. Hehehe.. I can see that the boy is so madly in love with the girl. Ah, puppy love. I wonder how far will they go.

Back to yesterday's story, I was asked to personally deliver a letter to JP@ at the very last minute. There was no more office car, so I had to take the public transport. Imagine that. Luckily Wan was around so he took an hour off to drive me there. Left the office at 3pm and rushing to catch the 3.40pm ERL. Managed to finish the whole business at 4.30.

And it felt so good to be at home after all the rushing.

I'm learning to walk more gracefully now :)

Living

Not so long ago, I used to get irritated on why these ladies walked all slow and dainty to work, in the morning.

And now, when I'm one of them, I know exactly why.

It's because we don't want to get all sweaty and smelly upon arriving at work. On the day I woke up late and had to walk super fast, that day will be called my busuk day. I will be busuk for the rest of the day because I was sweating as early as at 7 in the morning.

The weather is hot, even during the early morning or at night. I take the 6.35am ERL, and still sweating if I walked a little faster when the board is showing "1min".

Work has taken almost 60% of my life. In order to clear off the IN tray everyday, going back at 5pm is rather impossible. Same goes for dear husband. I left the office at 8pm for a couple of days already, arriving home at 9pm++ exhausted and just too tired to eat. But I can't do that.

Oh well, something extremely great happened but it's just way too early to announce or get all excited. Let's give it a few more weeks, shall we? :)

3 dots

Found the 3 dots in another pair of my Clarks..

(Click to enlarge)

Notice the 3 dots?

Here's a close-up image.




The dots are so obvious, aren't they?

I've only tried this a few times inside the house.. Spread to your non-muslim friends, I'm selling this at RM100.. Clarks', size UK 3 1/2 bought in UK.

Scam

It's almost 9 and Wan's still at the office. I couldn't understand how some of the fortyeights get back home with clear conscience while during the day his/her job is ONLY giving commands and expect the work to be done while he/she loiters around chit-chatting whereas the subordinates are struggling to finished up the work.

*sigh*

And some can actually call you into the room just to ask you to make a simple call. Such a cowardice.

not referring to anyone. This is a general statement

Anyway, on my way to the ERL today, I was stopped by this jambu-ish looking guy. He asked for my 5mins time. So, being all kepochi to know what is it about, I was explained about this programme by MFC. (I didn't even bother to know what is it stands for because the programme is kinda fishy.) I told myself, if he showed me pictures with people holding kipas duit, I'll leave the place immediately.

He explained, just fill in the form which includes my IC number. Once registered, everytime I spent money on anything, just send an sms to this number, points will be added into my MFC account. Once reached 1500 points, I'll be given a RM20 Sijil Simpanan Premium. So easy one........

So I asked him (not the jambu'ish looking guy. I realised he's using his look to lure ladies to spend time listening to their programme however the not-hot-looking guy will do the talking.. heh) what is it for them because I don't see any benefits to them.

He explained that this programme is to help the Bumis.. *laugh*

I asked whether I can bring home the brochure to read and to check with the Ministry whether the programme is registered but he said I can't because the form is for registered people only.

He told me that the programme has been ongoing for 3 years. Well, if the programme is so successful, why can't they afford their own domain name? Because they email address uses yahoo domain and the website is a blogspot's.

I said sarcastically to him that there's nothing in this world which is free of charge. And rudely, the not-hot-looking guy said, "Kalau tak percaya, sudahla" while closing the brochure and ignoring me who was sitting in front of him just like that.

Eeeee, teruknya.. Nak kecik hati dengan aku pesal. Nasib la aku tak tertinggal ERL sebab dengar program ko yang ada ciri2 penipuan tu.

So, siapa pernah dengar program dari MFC ni?

Adapting

Here I am at Wan's office, trying to ignore the noise that came from Hari Belia. It's scorching hot out there. People and rubbish at every corner. We walked from Wan's office to Jom Makan area, ate breakfast and later took the tram back to Wan's office.

Watched the cheerleader competition for a few minutes which Wan was quite disappointed because all of them wore short tights underneath the skirts and not like the one in Hellcats.. shesssshhhhhh

Wan's on duty. Superbusy for the past week promoting the Hari Belia thing. We went to Terminal 1 Seremban last Saturday (got my hair done while waiting for him) and to NZ Curry House last Wednesday night.

We're still trying to adapt to the new routine. I rarely cook nowadays, I only eat bread during lunch and sometimes I totally forgot to eat. So engrossed with work I guess. hehehe

After a few weeks trying to catch the 5.40 ERL, I finally made it last Thursday. But I was rushing like mad. So I decided, it's not worth it and I'll be ok with the 6.10pm ERL. But it was definitely a good exercise and got all sweaty and smelly in the ERL. hehehe

I got to get myself a pair of crocs. It's crazy to walk to the station with my court-shoes.. Annnnnnnnddddddd, I just realised my flatties that I have worn for 2 years has 3 dots this morning!!!!!!!!!!!! Need to samak the feet and hands..

I am now a public transport user. I take the Ampang Line LRT and ERL everyday. Arriving around 6.30am at the ERL station to work (on the day Malia's not going to work), I'll see all these long faces. (muka malas nak pergi kerja :) Everyone is walking in slow motion mode. I wish the waiting time between ERLs is less that 30 mins and the LRTs is less than 5 minutes during peak hours because people can be very mean in able to get in the train.

Another thing, it's hard to differentiate between the extra weight and pregnant ladies. so sometimes, I just ignored the empty seat, therefore I won't feel guilty for seating while the mind was thinking whether she's pregnant or overweight and should I or Should I not give my seat to her.

I'm reading again. Currently reading Olivia Irving's, Priceless which is the only non-fiction English novel on the rack at my office's pusat sumber.. But, the pusat sumber borrows book from the national library. So I can actually request for any book I want and the librarian will borrow it from the National Library. Best kan?

Trying..

Air Asia RM0.10 tickets started at 12 noon today. Planned to book tickets unfortunately the internet connection at my office is extremely slow.. After a while, I managed to key in my sister's details (All 4 of them for their balik kampung ticket next year), clicked next and all of a sudden, IE stopped working and restarted. Geram tak????

I've gave-up on the internet connection, I can only open my gmail using html view and even the department's webmail takes about 5 minutes to load. Grrrrr..

Stop complaining.

I'm starting to miss my old office. My 22 degrees Celsius room, my well kept stationery in the drawer, the high speed connection, good lighting, the space under the table which I usually slept during the long Friday lunch break..

Ok, stop complaining.

Service work is no fun, I like money and figures more. However, I'm trying to adapt as fast as I can. The workload is so much, kept on receiving 2 feet high of files and so many incoming letters to attend to everyday. And the phone never stop ringing, the begging, the angry person, the crying. The colleagues said, after a few months, I'll get use to it and will be more hati batu to layan all these people.

Ok, stop complaining.

Previously, I worked at the 2nd biggest ministry and now my department is one of the biggest Jabatan. It's like I'm meant to be in the biggest agency.

It's confirmed that we'll move to Pjaya next year. 8 more months to go. Let's start counting.

It's 10.30, let's sleep....

Hope

TTC update:

Woke up and realised, hey today is CD29. I have never ever reached more than CD28 since I hit puberty. It has always been a 26-27-day cycle, everymonth, without fail.

I can't remember when was the last time I did UPT. I remember I bought 2 test kit and had done only 1 test. I think there's one kit left in the closet. Found it and the expiry date is June 2011. (has it been that long??) I've lost the instruction leaflet, don't know which part to dip. So I decided, I don't want to do the test yet.

I kept on going to the toilet to check whether the new cycle has started, so far it's still negative. Husband said not to be too excited.. I'll try..

Ugly truth

How much we want to deny it, it's a fact that:

1. those who do not like you however are very much interested to know what's happening in your life.

2. when you kept quiet, they think they've won.

3. when something bad happened to you, your haters will excitedly say that's your karma.

I chose to keep quiet. A kakak at my old place told me, it'll be a neverending fight if I still want to voice out my stand because they will never admit they are also at fault.

I'm not a heartless beast. When they said those words to me, I can barely sleep at nights. I had nightmares and I kept on thinking, am I that bad? Am I such a lousy person? I even asked my former boss and the staff from the unit I covered before.

I cried when that kakak sent a consoling sms and told me that life's like this. You can never satisfy everyone in your life. You tried to avoid having enemies but sometimes, enemies come to you.

I asked for their forgiveness on my last day but at that time, I never knew that I was not forgiven.

My fault is to write that entry, but I didn't mention any names and I have changed the situation. I wrote it because of anger and I regret letting the anger won because I should've kept everything to myself. One of them said I'm acting all angel like in front of them but at the back I'm worst that jin ifrit. Jin ifrit or not, all those years they've worked under me, I never ever once did anything to harm their career and I even supported for one of them to get apc last year.

*sigh*

People will always see that small black stain on the big white cloth.

The new place #2

I survived the first 4 days, yay..

Couldn't help listening (or eavesdropping) to every little words spoken in the office. Hehehehehe..

Today, I've been given a task and a meeting to attend to. Sadly, there's no fail meja, can you believe that? Luckily Wan is doing the same job-scope and he brought back his fail meja for me to copy. Call me a weirdo, but I like to type when I'm stress. I plan to type them tonight, which is not a smart thing to do eh? xerox jer lah beb.

Had a chat with one staff of mine. Oh my, she's so efficient and I feel like asking "are you really an spm graduate??". I'm shock to see how these people work. So little staff but so many things to do. And they work like robots. or are they robots?

Since I ate so little and been walking so much (echeh) these few days, I'm feeling a bit tired today. I think in 3 months time, if I manage to keep up with this low carb diet, I can shed a few kg (errr gram).. hehehehehe..

My current happiness, seeing the husband's face when he came to pick me up from the central and we can't stop talking about our new work (even-though we have already talked about it on the phone) until we fell asleep with the light on.

Alhamdulillah, I'm blessed..

New routine

on 3rd May, I reported at the new place.

Today is the 4th day here. I definitely miss my old routine. Woke up at 6.30am, hit the road at 7.30am, had lunch with Wan and went back home at 5.45pm.

But now, I woke-up at 5.30am and couldn't wait for weekend). Took shower, prepared light breakfast, hit the road at 6.30am to Malia's house (car pooling), 1++ hour drive to work, sat at someone else cubicle, read circulars on service and looked at the clock every 5 mins counting hours to go back, (no work has been given yet), got no one to chat with at work, lunch alone or not eating at all (lost my appetite), counting hours to go back, thumbprint at 5pm, took lrt, half-running to catch the 5.40pm erl (but so far, not successful), waited for the the 6.10pm erl, arrived at 6.20pm, Wan's there waiting for his wife, said "I miss you", slept at 9pm..

Yay, tomorrow is Saturday. It's 8.15am, 8 hours and 45 mins to go! Let's start counting.. hehehe

The new place

It feels like a night before my 1st day of school.

Everything is ready, the polished shoes, the document, the attire (which I ironed for the whole week), the book, the minyak angin, the umbrella, the MP3 player, but myself. *forced grin*

Anxious and nervous at the same time.

While Wan and I were lazing around before lunch today, we made some vows on a few things we wish not to repeat at the new place which includes being a little bit garang. hehe, kidding.

Like mom and dad always said, when you get to a new environment, observe and reserve your comment and trust. Get to know the people before you lay your cards on the table. I always bear this in mind.

I'm going with Malia tomorrow. Leaving the house at 6.30am. (no more waking up at 6.30 now, hehehe)

So, all the best to those entering a whole new working place tomorrow and hey, 44 baby :)

The last day

Luckily Atol was there and asked her to snap this:



On that day itself, I'm so glad I got transferred to another place and I wouldn't want to come back.. I'm gonna miss my darling friends the most. You guys take care, be careful and keep in touch.

Letting it go

A day passed by, I started to forget about the "special gift" they called teguran secara halus and accepting it as a joke. Thought of buying a frame and hang it at the new office. OK, not funny.

After giving much thought, I'm not going to privatise my blog. Why should I? But I'll be more careful so that people can't use it against me.

God is Great, I accidentally 'stumbled' into one of the gang's blog. And she kutuk me just as bad as she thinks I kutuk her. If she thinks I'm wrong for writing it up then so does she because she did exactly the same in her blog.

Thought of printing it up and left it on her table. But nah, if I did that, I'm as shallow as she is. I have class (eventhough she said I'm a stupid fella).

It's funny when they thought I "judged" them by listening to one side of a one-day story only. I have ears and eyes yo. I observed and analysed their behaviours for the past 3 years. What about their multiple "info-sharing" sessions during Friday break when they thought I was not in my cubicle (masa tu takde bilik lagi), the incomplete work, the signature forgery, the unnecessary high tone voice when you spoke to your boss (just because you had problems at home), how you kept on talking on the phone with your friends eventhough your boss was right under you nose waiting for you to stop chit chatting, and many more to list out.. Can't that be taken into account too?

And have they ever thought why they were transferred from one unit to another?

I can be a very mean boss if you want me too.

If I'm that evil and hate the subordinates so much, I can give my subordinates 70 for LNPT, I can persuade the boss to lodge a police report when someone forged her signature and I don't give a shite what happened next, I won't let my subordinates take leave when we are in a very tight schedule or let them leave the office when they have personal stuff to attend to, I can force my subordinates to follow me organize an outstation meeting or make them stay back even-though they have small kids to be taken care off, I can do many other mean things and be the I-don't-care boss.

But I had not, I chose not to and I had been too lenient to them instead. But this is what I get in return. Thank you very much. If you think I have not been a very good boss, then have you ever reflected yourself whether you are a very perfect subordinates?

I had experienced having the best subordinates when I covered another unit's work. Oh my, they are the best of the best and how I wish I can bring them along with me. Keep up the excellence work guys.

At 27, insyaAllah I will have another 29 years to go in service. And who knows, I may be your boss again? When that time comes, you'll see a different me. I won't be that naive little girl anymore.

To whom it may concern, good luck with your new boss. He is my friend. An Indian guy. Don't worry, I tak menghasut dia apa2, I just told him to be very, very, very stern with you guys (he doesn't have a clue why). Is that a warning? Some sort of. Hahaha. All the best ya.

Handing over note

Quick note..

2 days to go and I'm all stress-out to hear that Nonie and Ina have done their handing over notes. grrrrr...

I'm off for JKPAK. 1/2 day left for today to finish up my work..

Shanker, kalau aku jahat kan, aku biar je boleh? hehehehe

updates
Terkesima tengok status nota serah tugas Ina = Telah disiapkan..

Farewell lunch

3 days to go, I'm starting to feel sad. This is my first ever workplace, how can I not feel that way right?

Lin treated us lunch today at "Fish Market in Manhattan" which included Wan from a different Department and totally different Ministry. hehehehehehe

Jelitawan Bahagian Kewangan dan Penswastaan (bukan nama bahagian sebenar) save and except the one wearing black corporate jacket

Platter for 2. Ordered 3 platters and all 3 tapau balik

The cutest couple.. hihihihi

Yaya gaya macho sebab nak cover a very huge zit, birthday girl Aju and gorgeous Atol whom currently searching for a prince to sweep her off her feet (Siapa berminat, roger aku. Highly recommended. hehehehehe)

Yaya sekali lagi nak cover zit holding the gift from Lin and Aju disinari cahaya peri-peri

Hot mommies, Khaireen and Lin. Orang kuat Bahagian Kewangan dan Penswastaan (bukan nama bahagian sebenar)

Thank you so much Lin. Gonna miss you gurls. Keep me updated on what's going on tahu.. hihihihi